Effeminacy, Not 'Toxic Masculinity,' Is the Problem

I would like to discuss one of the greatest vices that we men are being called to overcome today. Namely: effeminacy.

St. Thomas Aquinas defines effeminacy as “an unwillingness to endure hardship or difficulty due to an excessive attachment to pleasure or comfort.” This unwillingness, I will argue, results from uncontrolled passions that have become our taskmasters – no less than the taskmasters of ancient Egypt who oppressed the Israelites. I want to explore with you how submission to the one true God frees us from slavery to our passions, idolatries, and vagaries – much the same way as leaving Egypt and its false gods freed the Israelites.

In the book of Exodus, we read that the Egyptians set taskmasters over the Israelites “to afflict them with heavy burdens.” The Israelites had multiplied and become strong in the land; they had become a threat to the Egyptians. As a result, they were enslaved, and their male infants murdered. Moses, a type for Christ, was sent by God to liberate them so that they could serve Him in freedom. God commanded Moses, “Go into Pharaoh and say to him, ‘Thus says the Lord, the God of the Hebrews: Let my people go, that they may serve me’” (Exodus 9:1). We should remember that for the Egyptians, Pharaoh was a god. This confrontation with Moses – the true God’s representative – was deeply symbolic.

We are all familiar with the story. Pharoah at first refused to let the Israelites go, so God smote the Egyptians with 10 plagues. Eventually, Pharoah bowed to the power of God and released the Chosen People. But then, he changed his mind and pursued them with murderous intent. God delivered the people through Moses and the parting of the Red Sea. And Pharoah and his army suffered defeat in a watery death.

But the story did not end there. The plot thickened, so to speak. The Israelites came to Mount Sinai where Moses received God’s law on the tablets of the 10 Commandments. There, in the wilderness, tempted by the idolatry of the golden calf, Israel apostatized. As a result, God sentenced them to forty-years wandering in the dessert. But He also renewed his Covenant with His people. They built a tabernacle to keep the tablets and then continued their journey to the land of milk and honey.

You might think, "Wait, aren’t the Israelites just going from serving one god to serving another God? How is that any better?" The answer is – in every conceivable way!

The Book of Gensis explains why. Human beings were created to worship and serve the one true God – that is the very purpose of human freedom. Too often today, we think of freedom in terms of being free from something – from restraint or obligation. But true freedom is not just about being free from; it’s about being free for something. Freedom isn’t aimless; it has a purpose, and that purpose is found in serving God.

Moreover, the contemporary notion of freedom is untethered from reality and, therefore, a kind of bondage to unreality. God is the author of Life. By His authority, He is the Lawmaker. We are to seek our true freedom in the reality that we are made in the image and likeness of God. We are commanded by Him to love Him and our neighbor. To give ourselves totally in obedience to God, we seek the virtues – holy habits, so to speak. Jesus is the source and exemplar of these habits. He tells us, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free” (John 8:31-32). Jesus IS the Truth that makes us free.

One of the great hinderances to freedom foisted upon us by today’s pharoahs is the inversion of reality that elevates the emotions above the intellect. This is a recipe for moral disaster. In the Catechism of the Catholic Church, we read, “the alternative is clear: either man governs his passions and finds peace, or he lets himself be dominated by them and becomes unhappy” (#2339).

What are passions? Passions are natural responses of the sensitive appetite to things we perceive as good or evil. By the sensitive appetite, I mean that part of us that reacts instinctively to sensory experiences and emotional inclinations toward what seems desirable or away from what seems harmful. This differs from the rational appetite, or will, which is guided by reason and seeks what is truly good as understood by the intellect.

It’s important to understand that the passions in themselves are neither good nor evil. They are good when they are directed by reason and informed by faith; they can be evil left to themselves – irrational and self-oriented. The fact that passions are irrational on their own doesn’t mean they are not valuable – they are very valuable indeed! We must never negate or reject our passions but rather put them to good use. We must subject them to the commands of God and right reason. We would be wise to heed the words of Confucius who tells us, “The passions are like fire and water; they make great servants, but terrible masters.”

The problem, of course, is that we are born with the effects of Original Sin: a darkened intellect, disordered desires, and a tendency towards evil. Put simply, we do not naturally see things the way that we should. Left to our own devices, we are likely to call good evil and evil good. The effects of Original Sin are compounded by a world that celebrates and normalizes them. This is why the Scriptures command us not to “love the world or the things in the world,” and remind us that “whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.”

St. Dominick famously said, “A man who governs his passions is master of the world. We must either command them or be enslaved to them. It is better to be the hammer than the anvil.” Because Original Sin disrupted the harmony between reason and the lower appetites, we often find that we are, to one degree or another, the slave of our passions – the anvil instead of the hammer. St. Paul captures this struggle when he writes, “For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing” (Romans 7:19).

The truth of a fallen nature and a fallen world is generally rejected by the rulers of the wilderness – the pharaohs and idol worshippers. Instead, they promote a so-called “wisdom of the world” that says, “Do what makes you happy; treat yourself; if it feels right, do it; you be you!” The problem of course, is that the “you” referred to here is the fallen, idiot you. The wisdom of the world makes the commandments of God and the Church burdensome. Only the truth can set us free – a truth found in a Savior who defeated Satan and released us from slavery to sin.

And so, we come to the core of this article. We face in our world today an obstacle to freedom: effeminacy. As I noted earlier, St. Thomas defines effeminacy as a form of vice in which a person is excessively driven by the pleasures of the senses, particularly when it comes to physical comforts and indulgences, at the expense of rational self-control and moral virtue. He tells us that effeminacy is “the vice whereby a man abandons himself to the enjoyment of pleasurable things” and, consequently, is rendered weak and unable to pursue the good, especially in moments of difficulty or discomfort.

At first glance, you might find it strange that I wish to speak of effeminacy; you might think this vice is old-fashioned and outdated. Nothing could be further from the truth. Effeminacy cuts to the heart of many of our struggles today. And it’s not just about gender or sex. Yes, I am making a special appeal to men, but effeminacy is not restricted to men. It can be a vice for women, too. Simply put, it is the abandonment of reason and a rightly ordered will. It is a disordered attachment to sensual pleasures, an unwillingness to sacrifice for higher goods, and a refusal to face suffering or hardship. The effeminate soul seeks comfort, ease, and indulgence, rather than the discipline necessary for moral and spiritual growth.

In fact, the true cost of effeminacy is not just physical weakness or indulgence in pleasure, but spiritual degradation. It opens the door to the full range of base passions – the desire for power, pleasure, fame, and wealth – that ultimately enslave us and take us further away from God. We experience constant anxiety as we seek to fill the bottomless pit of our souls. St. Augustine famously prayed, “Our hearts are restless until they rest in You.” Effeminacy traps us in restlessness, constantly seeking but never finding the true fulfillment that only God can give. Christ promised us this fulfillment when he said, "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:29-30).

So how do we remedy this vice of effeminacy?

First, we must make a decision for God or the world. We cannot opt out of this choice – and there is no third alternative. As Joshua says, “And if it is evil in your eyes to serve the Lord, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served in the region beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”

The choice for God requires virtues opposed to the vice of effeminacy: courage and perseverance. The fight against effeminacy is essentially a fight against the tyranny of our own desires. We must cultivate temperance and fortitude. Temperance is the virtue that helps us regulate our desires and enjoy pleasures in their proper place, while fortitude enables us to endure hardship and pursue good even when it is difficult.

St. Augustine articulates the two choices in his City of God when he writes, “There are two loves that form two cities; you will either love God to the contempt of self or love yourself to the contempt of God. The first forms the City of God and the second the City of Man” (Bk 14, c. 28). By the love we choose, we are choosing a kind of citizenship, either in Egypt or the Promised Land.

In this fallen world we are tempted tortuously in our weakness. We are most vulnerable to the demons through our the passions. Demons can introduce things into our imaginations and move our emotions. To be enslaved to our passions means unwittingly to put ourselves under the tutelage of the Bent one and his minions. When we love ourselves more than God, we elevate the passions and embark on a quest for idols by the ignorance of our own dim lights. We lose our spiritual clarity, falling under the spell of an incessantly repeated mantra: “Evil is good and good is evil.”

How, then, do we stay on the path to heaven? How do we overcome the passivity and disorder of effeminacy?

One of the best remedies for effeminacy, according to Aquinas, is the cultivation of self-discipline and the willingness to embrace difficulty. The truly free person is the one who can say “no” to the lure of momentary pleasure and “yes” to the good that requires sacrifice.

Here are six concrete ways to cultivate the virtues and overcome effeminacy:

1. Develop a Prayer Rule
   A disciplined prayer life strengthens our relationship with God and fortifies us against the temptations of comfort and ease. Establish a daily routine of prayer that includes morning and evening prayers, time for meditation, and, if possible, participation in the Liturgy of the Hours. Commit to at least 15 minutes of daily silent prayer or reflection to train your soul to seek God’s presence even amid distractions. This habit not only builds spiritual fortitude but reminds us that our ultimate strength comes from grace.

2. Eat Healthy and Practice Fasting
   Temperance begins with our relationship to basic bodily desires, like food. Make an intentional effort to eat balanced meals, avoiding overindulgence in unhealthy foods. Practice fasting, not just during Lent, but regularly, as a way to discipline your appetites and unite small sacrifices with Christ. You could skip dessert on Fridays or fast from snacks between meals. These small acts of self-denial prepare you to resist larger temptations when they arise.

3. Embrace Physical Challenges
   Physical discipline trains not only the body but also the will. Regular exercise, whether it’s lifting weights, running, or simply taking a brisk walk, builds perseverance and teaches you to push through discomfort. Choose activities that challenge you and require consistency, reminding yourself that every workout is a way of cultivating fortitude. Offer the discomfort as a prayer or intention for someone in need, turning even mundane effort into spiritual growth.

4. Fight for an Undistracted Life
   In our digital age, distractions are among the greatest obstacles to temperance and fortitude. Identify the distractions that dominate your time—excessive scrolling on social media, binge-watching shows, or aimless web browsing—and create boundaries to minimize their hold. Set specific times for technology use, turn off unnecessary notifications, and carve out moments of silence and stillness in your day. An undistracted life allows you to focus on what truly matters and strengthens your ability to resist fleeting pleasures.

5. Cultivate a Desire for What Edifies
   Replace empty pleasures with pursuits that build your soul. Read books that inspire and uplift, like The Lord of the Rings for its themes of courage and sacrifice or Introduction to the Devout Life by St. Francis de Sales for practical spiritual guidance. Listen to music that stirs your heart toward beauty and holiness, and avoid entertainments that dull your spiritual senses or fosters vice. Surround yourself with influences that point you toward the good, the true, and the beautiful.

6. Play Right

   Play! Play is a virtue. It relaxes the mind and body. But often our play isn’t play. It is distraction and avoidance and wickedness. St. Thomas Aquinas teaches, “It is necessary at times to relax the mind from work by some kind of play.” But even here we need to be on guard against unruly passions. Our play must be virtuous (wholesome), fitting (right time, place, circumstances, not interfering with our responsibilities), and not excessive (which leads to laziness and distraction).

Finally, we should remember that we are not alone in combatting effeminacy. We have the saints of Holy Mother Church, who tell us in unison that we must be vigilant concerning the influence our emotions may have on our free will. Satan cannot influence our intellects or force our will. To resist him, we must cultivate the human virtues that prepare our souls to receive the infused supernatural virtues offered to us by God through the gifts of the Holy Spirit.

We may also rely, also, on the Church’s sacraments, the support of a spiritual director, and the fellowship of faithful friends. Like the Israelites in the Exodus story, our freedom doesn’t come from escaping all burdens but from being freed to serve the Lord. By embracing prayer, self-control, and intentional living, we can train our souls to seek true freedom—the freedom to love and serve God wholeheartedly.

In sum, let us choose God and embark on the path of virtue. Let us be free of the taskmasters of passion and idolatry and make this manly directive of St. Paul our guiding light:

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things” (Philippians 4:8).

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